Eaters (2015) Reviews

• Like Cabin in the Woods, only not

  leliomulas-265832015-10-17

  Well, that was interesting. The very first moments looked decent, with a somewhat retro look. But as soon as the characters open their mouth you realize you're in for a treat. Sound editing is terrible, you can't hear half of the lines, and the other half is people telling each other to shut up or chill out (duude). Dialogues are below 5 years old writing. Camera work is atrocious, some of the very few thrills in this bore-fest are courtesy of the cameraman struggling with focus. And losing miserably. The editing is lame. I just began to mentally trim the footage to accelerate the pacing, leaving behind minutes and minutes of awkward silent people blank staring, panting and gasping, looking around, while I was waiting for a line or a reaction to happen. My god... Then acting. Tell me about it. 'Great acting' someone said, holy cow... They are abysmal, all of 'em, with a special award for the guy in a yellow t-shirt (sluggishly dragging around like he hadn't any idea what he was doing) and the biker chief (desperately trying to be cool in a Samurai Cop wig). Storywise, it's a mess. Girl gets missing (we couldn't care less about her, 3 minutes screen time), friends freak out (kinda) and try to find her, they stumble upon drug courier bikers, they argue, they escape, they find refuge in a ghost town, the bikers follow them, cannibal creepy inbred people, almost everybody dies by stupidity. There is no tension whatsoever! The pacing is all off, slow and helpless, the bikers are not menacing, the 'eaters' could have been a redeeming point for the movie if there was any attention to details, maybe even some self aware irony (we're playing with 50 years old tropes, guys). The plot doesn't progress, it percolates like garbage juice. Even the gore is missing! Maybe they tried, maybe it was a joke. What remains is a mess of a movie, some occasional funny-bad moment (the screaming scene, as previously noted by other reviewers: hilarious) and lots of boredom and frustration. I somehow sat through all of it, but I don't recommend this experience to anyone.

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• I've Got Heartburn...REAL BAD

  dcarsonhagy2015-10-06

  A group of idiots (driving a nice looking 1965 Mustang) stop at a rest area in the middle of nowhere to use the facilities. One girl turns up missing and her friends are off to find her whereabouts. Oh, I "forgot" the ruthless motorcycle gang (which consisted of four horribly miscast individuals) that was at the rest area, but I digress. Such is the premise for "Eaters." When the movie started, I thought it MIGHT be decent...and then the actors spoke. I swear the majority of the cast in this joke could not walk and chew gum at the same time. None were believable. Not only were the actors awful, but so was the directing. When they reach the "abandoned" town while in search of their friend, they (naturally) decide to split up. The loud mouth, who you want to immediately die, comes upon something in a barn. Cut to two of his friends standing on a porch, both looking like they've just been hit in the head with a brick. You can plainly hear screams coming from the barn, but they completely are oblivious to this and decide they must go looking for him. Are they both deaf? Feeble-minded? The surprise is there's some sort of clan who inhabit them thar parts and (I guess) eat people for s*its and giggles. But their introduction into the film is nothing short of comedy. The masks they wear only elicited howls from me and my friend. I usually complain about the overuse of blood and gore in these types of movies. This one spared me on that level; however, I'm beginning to think it could have only helped. Rated R for RIDICULOUSLY AWFUL.

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• Pretty Darn Bad

  baroby2015-10-29

  I'm going to keep this simple: This is NOT a good movie. I'm not going to put any spoilers in here, because everyone else kinda did that. I'm not going to explain the characters or the story line, because others have done it, and there isn't really much to explain. But here's my take on it: The story is bad, the camera work looks like someone shot it with an iPhone, the script seems like it's mostly ad lib, there is next to no gore at all (at least for a movie this bad, you would think that it would be heavy on the gore), the acting is HORRID, the characters are vastly underdeveloped, the interactions make no sense, the movie itself drags for the first half hour, and then when it picks up it is almost comical, there is NOTHING believable about this film--it's just a flat out mess. I didn't give this a 1 because I've seen a LOT of bad movies in my day, especially of the horror genre. However, this movie didn't get a 1 out out of 10 simply because I've seen worse movies to compare it to, not because it wasn't really bad. Read the other reviews, and compile them all into one. Everyone is telling the truth all at the same time, trust me. If you like rustic independent films shot by film students, then this is right up your alley. If for some reason you want to see a really good horror film, either just because you like horror films or because you want to kick Halloween off with a bang, don't waste your time.

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• Horrendous- one of the worst movies seen in a long time

  TheLittleSongbird2015-11-06

  As said many times before, this is not coming from anybody who takes pleasure in hating a movie. In fact, quite the opposite, this is coming from somebody who tries to see good in anything that's bad regardless of how strong any negative feelings are. Eaters is one of few movies in some time where there is nothing to say redeeming about it. It is hard to say where Eaters failed most heavily, but the acting is a definite contender here. Atrocious isn't describing it enough, with the yellow T-shirt guy and the biker leader agreed tied for the worst performances, the former looking like he both didn't want to be there and didn't have a clue as to what he was doing and the latter is more irritating than menacing. Everybody looks disengaged and stumble constantly through their lines, giving the already crass and awkwardly written dialogue- that is enough to make even a toddler feel dumb- even less fluidity than it already suffered from. The cardboard, stereotypical characters were not worth giving a toss about, they're all annoying and the bikers have no sense of presence and instead behave like idiots. The missing girl isn't on screen anywhere near long enough to make one care properly about the situation the characters are on or the basic story. The story is another massive failing, there is nothing scary, suspenseful or tense about it, structurally it's choppy, a lot of scenes are so mind-numbingly stupid and pointless it was insulting and it just drags on and on with scenes stretched to interminability. There is nothing competent about the direction, which is literally all at sea, nor about the filming. The opening is alright, but everything else visually is unfocused to a dizzying degree, was starting to wonder whether the cameraman was drunk or something. Scenery is basic and drably lit, and the sound is so flat that hearing what was being said was difficult and sometimes like somebody trying unsuccessfully to tune a radio. Overall, horrendously bad with nothing good to say in its favour. As someone who tries to be fair when viewing films/movies/shows Eaters really has to be one of the worst movies seen in quite a long time. 0/10 Bethany Cox

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• Made bad movies in past seem decent

  blindquist-177692015-11-14

  I am in a very fortunate situation in my life where every few days I get to see A LOT of bad movies. However, this one takes the cake. So much so that it inspired me to follow steps needed to create an account on this website to warn others of potential loss of 90 good minutes of their life to which they will never get back. The storyline is appealing, just not very well executed. I never had an opportunity to emotionally attach to the character that went missing getting everyone in to this mess in the first place and that's unfortunate because this movie had a lot of things I can get excited about in a movie...huge wooden hammer thing that smashes people, gore, and attractive women just to name a few. However, those things, in my opinion, were not well placed or utilized. I would love to give more insight, but the way the whole thing played out I am left still a little confused as to what just happened in this movie. Typically our movie group ends with a resounding "your welcome" from our leader, even with the worst of movies, but this one left him in silence as well. I will end this review the way the movie ended, suddenly and no soon enough.

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