The Last Patrol (2000) Reviews

• One of Dolph's worst movies!

  tarbosh220002011-11-02

  A 9.5-level earthquake struck California, turning it into an island. The survivors living in this harsh new reality refer to it as "A.E." or, "After Earthquake". Army Captain Nick Preston (Dolph) visits a junkyard inhabited by Army lady McBride (Alexander), a man named Lucky Simcoe (Burke) and his perky but somewhat annoying wife Candy (Cross). They all must learn to get along, as well as dodge pitfalls like a disease that causes large, moving boils on your skin, and an insane prisoner (Juliano Mer). Meanwhile, Preston wants to save a bus filled with children led by a woman named Rainbow (Parker), who may or may not have the ability to make it rain. Perhaps she should avoid the post-apocalyptic strip clubs. What will become of these people? Starting with some narration by Dolph which explains nothing really, we realize we are in for a run-of-the-mill post-apocalypse slog. It seems, in retrospect, that The Last Warrior was doomed from the start, as a. it was shot during a period when Dolph was hitting the skids, b. It's a Nu-Image production from the same period, c. It's rated PG-13 so you know nothing REALLY awesome is going to happen, and d. It's a talky low-budget drag with minimal locations. What this SHOULD be is Dolph doing Mad Max (done the right way) - He should be a true "Last Warrior" who fights baddies violently and on his own terms. Instead, it's a boring production about an encampment filled with annoying characters who you can't possibly care about spouting pseudo-funny dialogue. Solely the strong presence of Dolph keeps this movie from Iron Thunder (1998) territory, although a more accurate comparison might be to Digital Man (1995), a similar desert-set "ensemble" film. Director Lettich, who is known for his Van Damme (or Daniel Bernhardt, same difference) productions, shot this in Israel, also where he shot the JCVD vehicle The Order (2001). While that is interesting, the bottom line is that The Last Warrior adds nothing to the genre. But the real crime is its dearth of action. This truly is a case of a movie needing less talk, more rock. Instead of talking our ears off, Dolph should be making a necklace of them. Nothing happens in this babyish waste of Dolph. It's one of his worst movies, easily the equal to Agent Red (2000) in terms of audience letdown. The Last Warrior is for Dolph completists only. For more insanity, please visit: comeuppancereviews.com

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• Curiously Interesting

  junk-monkey2006-11-27

  This movie is not what I expected from the DVD's cover or from some of the reviews posted here. There have been countless post-apocalyptic, Mad Max clones and rip-offs but this movie differs from most in that it takes a lot of time to get to the running around and shooting scenes. Time which is spent on character and atmosphere. The story is just as full of holes and "what the hell are they talking about?" moments as any other cheapo SF flick (for instance were we really expected to believe that that fine, healthy horse had been stuck in that box in the middle of the desert for weeks!? And I'm not sure the whole weird disease, pain relief ward run by desperate murderers and psychos thing made any sense at all.) But there was so much other weirdness floating about that I got the idea things might be explained / resolved by the end. They weren't, but the air of weirdness: the sudden strange Christian Voodoo rain magic thing, the cons standing in the blazing sun drinking their own urine and watching (worshipping?) their Hispanic leader Jesus on massed TV screens, the almost dreamlike quality of some of the scenes carried me through to the end. This may not be a great movie (or even a good one) but it sure as hell is a lot more interesting than 90% of the cheap, explosion driven, crap that masquerade as SF movies out there. Incidentally if you watch this on DVD check to see if there is a "making of" featurette. It's pretty standard fare but look out for the producer(?) trying to hide his astonishment they could find decent actors in Israel. His hair is incredible. Scariest thing I have seen all week. It's like Arch Hall's in Eegah!, only more so. I hope it was a wig.

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• I watched this movie so you don't have to.

  m.richards2000-12-08

  Question. How do you tell when a movie is really bad? 1: The hero is an ex-Green Beret rebelling against the system. 2: It has the hackneyed plotline that the world has ended and only a few exceptional people can save the day. This genre was old when 'Mad Max' rumbled on to the screens, but its still being churned out with ever-decreasing budgets. After all, any wannabe director just needs a camera; a few friends decked out in army surplus, some beat up vehicles and a free weekend in the desert. Add suitably ruined industrial plants and bad acting to taste and you are on the way to video immortality. The big budget productions feature kickboxing cyborgs. The Last Patrol has no kickboxing cyborgs. 3: Voiceovers to explain the plot. Studios tack these on after the movie is edited when they realise what a complete hash they have on their hands.. A good movie doesn't need someone bored out of their mind reading lines into a microphone. Unless they're Humphry Bogart - and he's dead. 4: It has a urine-drinking scene. There is an episode of BlackAdder where they attempt to sail round the world. Things become so desperate they have to drink their own urine. The same thing happens about halfway through The Last Patrol - I was tempted to join in the onscreen misery. 5: When the 'making of' feature and publicity materials don't feature the lead actor. Something happened during the production and they no longer want to be associated with it as it may hurt future work. In retrospect that was a very wise move Mr. Lundgren, possibly a little late, but a good idea none the less. At this point I should make it clear I like bad movies. there is nothing like a good cheap movie to round off a Friday night. The Last Patrol even starts of promisingly. A massive earthquake (illustrated by spectacular special effects lifted straight out of 'Dante's Peak' hits California. An isolated military base in the high desert is cut off from civilisation. Somehow Dolph Lundgren (playing the part of an ex Green Beret who rebelled against the yadda. yadda.) must keep things together and rebuild civilisation. At this point the movie takes its inspiration from the plot and everything falls apart. The scriptwriter had a bad attack of writers' block, reached into the cliché cupboard and grabbed *everything*. So, the commander is suitably heroic and square jawed. He's suitably macho to handle the action, but in touch with his feminine side when he needs to talk to children. The troops are rebellious, (but never mutinous); there is a bubble-headed useless blonde stripper to get in the way and a power-mad maniac out to take over the world. Would you even believe that there is a gratuitous excuse for a shower scene? Oh you would. you are way ahead of me. All these characters (and I use the term loosely) are thrown into what passes for a plot featuring shifts in the Earth's axis, genetic mutations, plagues, private prisons and someone in communion with God. (No really!) If it was a couple of minutes long, The Last Patrol might make an interesting trailer - after all they aren't meant to explain anything. A good trailer makes lots of noise, raises questions about the plot and draws in the audience. At 100 minutes, The Last Patrol is one hell of a long trailer - unless (and this is a scary thought) this is the teaser for an entire series of post apocalyptic fun. Usually reviews are meant to concentrate on scripting and acting - I can't be that cruel to the cast. They had bad lines and they did a lousy job. Special effects? Well if you've seen Dante's Peak you've already seen the best of them. The rest is the usual cheap prosthetics left over from the Halloween clearance sale and things exploding for no very good reason. The producers didn't even choose a very nice piece of desert. In most of these movies you can amuse yourself by looking out for that strange rock where Captain Kirk once fought the lizard man. Not here. Somehow this mess cost $8.2 million. I'm not sure where the money could have gone. Perhaps they each had a couple of drinks from the hotel minibar? So is there anything positive to say about The Last Patrol? Ummm. there is a very sweet child who actually doesn't get on your nerves and a golden retriever with a natural talent that shines through and puts everyone else to shame. Anything else? No not really, I just hope everyone got a good tan in the desert. Any recommendations? To Mr Lundgren; get a new agent. To the kid; it's not too late to change your name, your secret is safe with me - no one else will ever know that you were in this film. To the rest of the cast; overacting is not the same as acting really hard. To the dog; pick your roles more carefully in future, no one likes failure in Hollywood and you do want to work again. Final thoughts? Needs kickboxing cyborgs.

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• Classic Dolph

  melvinthejerk2001-10-08

  Out of all the lame action stars the 80's an 90's brought to us, there's one that will always remain my favorite: Dolph Lundgren. This movie is a classic Dolph film. When was the last time Arnie threw a brick at a guys face? 1985? Last I heard, he was working on Jingle All the Way 2. Dolph stayed in great shape for his age, and delivers the melodrama and unreal action that has made me like action heroes ever since I was a kid. It's this type of movie that reminds me of when Action heroes were tough. Guys like Micheal Dudikoff, Chris Christopherson, and Dolph Lundgren made good films that didn't need a bunch of cookie cutter acting. Guys like Stallone and Arnie needed to prove they could act for some reason. Leave acting to the actors and leave action to the men.

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• Better than i thought!

  richard-3182000-11-25

  This exceeded my expectations, as i have seen all of Dolphs latest films before this one and they have all been flawed although still watchable. I thought the main plot was pretty good and Dolphs performance was possibly his best. Sheldon Lettich directs precedings quite well and shows the experience that some directors of Dolphs other more recent films usually fail in. All in all this film is very similar to Stephan Kings "The Stand" although with more action, and it even has the strong religously orientated end as well which for me being a non-believer ruined the film just a little,i think this is deserving of 8/10.

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