The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010) Reviews

• The wife owes me big time!

  xenomorph_uk2010-07-15

  It took my wife nearly a week of constant begging to take her to see Eclipse. After having endured the first two movies and the subsequent years of self therapy to erase the memory, it took a lot of persuasion to guilt trip me into seeing this one as well. Needless to say, I entered the movie theatre mentally preparing myself for two hours of torture. Frankly, Eclipse was just as bad as I had expected despite reassurances from female co-workers that "It is much better than the last one... honest." I've never read the books nor do I plan to. I know nothing of the author however, I'm guessing she started writing this stuff when she was a twelve year old girl with delusions of what love should be. This entire movie is nothing more than a very poorly written romantic dilemma, wrapped in a weak premise of vampire and werewolves in an attempt to lure extra interest. So far as stories go this one has no vigour or power what-so-ever. Depth? I've stepped in deeper puddles. Approximately 80% of this movie is dedicated to examining the lead female's conflicting emotions. Does she want the vampire or the werewolf? Does she understand the lifestyle choice that comes with that decision? Is she willing to accept the risks? Does she understand the impact it will have on those around her? And finally... does anyone at all actually care? Yup, for two whole hours. (Six if you include the first two). So surely this movie has some redeeming features? Perhaps the acting? Wrong. Stewart's (Bella), emotions range from mildly irritated to slightly concerned whilst trying to maintain an air of vulnerability that irritates instead of earning sympathy. For Pattinson (Edward), it's all about just looking pretty and his acting skills are reduced to nothing more bowing his head slightly so that he always appears to be gazing upwards in an attempt at looking intense. As for Lautner (Jabob), well we all know he can't act so he is reduced to a shameless and topless eye-candy prop. In summary? Women are from Venus and men are from Mars. If you're a guy, you'll hate this. If you're a woman... you might like it. I'm not trying to belittle the sexes, it's just that type of movie. Anyway, the wife can beg all she wants... there ain't no way I'm taking her to see the fourth one!

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• The Top Thirty Things I Learned from Eclipse

  thesar-22010-09-26

  1. Native Americans fear "Cold Ones" as if they're attending Alcoholics Anonymous. Oh, wait… 2. "Jake! Stay!" is probably considered an insult to someone that changes into a dog. 3. Mormon writer, Stephenie Meyer, should be proud of acknowledging there are other races out there, though portraying Native Americans as savage beasts and Blacks as murderers should put her right back in the good light with the Latter-day Saints. 4. Brokeback Mountain tent love can happen between any two males, even the hairy and undead ones. 5. Terrible acting, hilariously bad dialogue, faux-pas Goths and unnecessary flashbacks can equate $300 million in revenues. Thanks, America. 6. Quickly moving someone with a broken back is first on the list of any medical student drop-out. 7. Pending Don Knotts was still with us, he surely would've been frontrunner for Bella's dad, Charlie. 8. There are more shirtless boys in the forests of Washington than all ballparks of the U.S. 9. Shift-changing Native Americans wear little clothing and have little regard to what happens when they change back. Do they store those shorts in the same place prisoners sneak contraband? 10. There are more forest battles in Washington than all of Planet Endor. 11. Bleak Bella is the most wanted girl in the world. Reasons of why are still unknown. 12. Using six tons of blush doesn't make you a vampire. It makes you Cher. 13. Turning into a six-ton wolf doesn't make you a werewolf. It makes you Beethoven. 14. These are NOT real Vampires! These are NOT real Werewolves! 15. These are NOT real Vampires! These are NOT real Werewolves! 16. These are NOT real Vampires! These are NOT real Werewolves! 17. Eclipse is as much a vampire and werewolf movie as The Exorcist is a feel-good and romantic comedy. 18. Eclipse is as much a teen romance as Speed 2: Cruise Control is about speeding. 19. Eclipse is as much of an epic adventure as Aliens is about Joe Arpaio's plight. 20. Eclipse is as much as about good parenting as The Stepfather is. 21. Bella is an incredible dead weight to anyone who is protecting her. Her best defense is to stay out of the way, cut herself like an emo and allow boys (and girls) fight over her. 22. "Waiting for marriage" is just as acceptable as taking your spouse's life on her wedding night. 23. Surprisingly good cinematography and a decent score does not equate a quality movie. Unless you want to watch a PBS special on the rainforests. 24. Who needs a spoof like Vampires Suck when you can laugh your ass off during the real movie? 25. The title is truly misleading; it would be far more entertaining to watch 30-seconds of an eclipse that you don't see in the movie, as it would the entire two hour film, itself. 26. High School graduates actually want to "make mistakes" so they can be all they can be. These filmmakers followed suit. 27. Bella is the saddest, most pathetic, manipulative and selfish character created next to…next to…no one. She is, in fact, the saddest, most pathetic, manipulative and selfish character created. 28. Eclipse has the least exciting climax next to The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. 29. This movie should NOT be considered for Best Costume Design. I've heard Lady Gaga actually rejected these outfits for her own act. 30. The un-dead fear "Newborns" just as much as Lindsey Lohan fears sobriety.

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• Eclipse: The Army of Sparkles!

  Smells_Like_Cheese2010-06-30

  Ah, great, I can't believe I'm writing this kind of a review. I have never been so disappointed in my life, I went into Eclipse expecting a really bad movie like New Moon and it turned out to be much better than I expected. It's the best of the trilogy, even though that's not saying too much. New Moon was very possibly one of the worst movies I had ever seen, it was very poorly written and had God awful characters that are not likable in any way. Twilight, the first film, was so small for what it was trying to do and just wasn't very strong. However, working with a much better director like David Slade who did Hard Candy and 30 Days of Night, he knew not to take the film so seriously and it actually matured quite a bit. As Seattle is ravaged by a string of mysterious killings and a malicious vampire continues her quest for revenge, Bella once again finds herself surrounded by danger. In the midst of it all, she is forced to choose between her love for Edward and her friendship with Jacob, knowing that her decision has the potential to ignite the ageless struggle between vampire and werewolf. With her graduation quickly approaching, Bella has so many decisions to make: if she will marry Edward, if she will become apart of the vampire clan, if she will choose Jacob instead, if she will abandon her family and life. As this is happening, Victoria is still seeking her revenge on Bella by creating an army of new born vampires who crave nothing more in the world than blood and will do anything for it. Having to decide if Bella's life is worth it, Jacob and Edward must come to peace with each other if they want to save Bella's life. The actions sequences are a lot better and actually makes the film a lot more entertaining. As we see in the first two films, when the vampires run, it's a long shot so it looks very CGI and in this one we have more close up's making it look a lot more realistic. Even the werewolves looked a lot better than in New Moon. I'm betting David Slade called the computer company that did New Moon and said "OK, you guys have got to be kidding with what you gave me; work on the image!". Also the characters even go a little more in depth, Edward and Jacob are a little more interesting in this story. Honestly, if it were not for Bella, this would have been a much better movie. See, this is where the downfall is with this series, besides the story, our main character Bella. She is very possibly one of the most flat characters ever written, she's so beyond boring. I can't honestly feel anything for her because she's just honestly a horrible person, she pits these guys against each other who are fighting for her and I can't even understand why they would fight for her. She's not that pretty, she's one tracked in thinking and she's a manipulator. When we finally are getting a little more interested in Jacob and Edward, Bella interrupts it. She's going from kissing Edward to kissing Jacob to kissing Edward and not even apologizing for it. I'm also convinced that Edward is gay, I'm not saying this as an insult, but there's a scene that reminded me of Will and Grace. Bella wants to sleep with Edward, but he wants to wait until they're married, he gets nervous when he kisses her and doesn't even want her undressed, in Will and Grace when we find out how they met, that's the exact same situation, only Will tells Grace after he proposes to her that he's gay. It's not insulting the character, I'm just having a very hard time believing that he loves her as he tells Jacob when asked him if Bella chose him instead, Edward says "I'd let her", what is that? Are you kidding me? That's Bella's great love? Wow. With better direction though, this film does a lot better that I expected, even if it's not saying too much. It's just the story that is really bad, the dialog and characters. David Slade did the best he could and he even made it enjoyable when Edward and Jacob actually talked, Jacob even says when he has to warm up Bella in a blizzard "I'm hotter than you", I couldn't stop laughing at that. I think that line was added last minute, also same with when Edward sees Jacob and asks "does this guy have any shirts?", they actually had fun with the script and that's what picked up the film as well as better action scenes. But to sum this up, Eclipse is better than I expected, but it's a rental for me, but I'm sure the fans will like this one a lot better. 6/10

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• Tedious boring and meaningless

  Medacakathareal2010-07-06

  As bad as the first Twilight was this is a whole new level. The bland and tedious characters lack chemistry, life, personality which sort of makes sense because most of them are undead. The film continues Bella's meaningless coin flip decision between Jacob the skin-walker (I refuse to refer to these as werewolves) and Edward the fairy. Every sentence out each character's mouth, particularly the main characters, is stilted and stale. They can't even articulate their lines let alone deliver them with any depth - not that there is any depth to the script or story here, there isn't. Even the fights are bland with vampires getting snapped apart like they were porcelain dolls and the only main threat of the movie - an army of New Born vampires - ending up being overcome with GREAT EASE. Also the division of the skin-walkers and "vampires" is suddenly bridged, there's no exploration of the issues between their kind or how to resolve them, just a randomly quick decision to work together despite the fact they hated each other a moment ago. The film's focus, instead of the parts that might have proved interesting, is in the emotionless and empty romance between two obscenely pale individuals and the muscular third wheel. Any attraction I could have had to Kristen Stewart is erased by her terrible delivery, empty eyed stare and general lack of emotion. Bland from start to finish and painful to anyone who genuinely likes good films. If you are brave enough to see it I recommend drinking something that will erase the memory and numb the pain afterward.

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• I have never craved a bullet in my head so much in my life…

  nikki-folwell2010-07-01

  OK, my experience in seeing this movie was particularly excruciating because I was stuck in a theatre of people who kept either groaning, cooing, or yelling advice to the characters on screen at the top of their lungs. But even with that aside, what few other people will be likely to say still deserves to be said: this movie sucked big hairy werewolf balls. Unfortunately, trying to explain why would take up a lot more words than I've managed to cram in, so I can only focus on the main issues. For starters, Bella has become increasingly unlikeable since we saw her last, and as she's the central protagonist around whom all the ensuing events revolve, that's going to be a problem. Originally a great character in the first two films, her appeal here takes such a massive nosedive that, no joke, it actually becomes hard to fathom why exactly everybody around her is risking their lives for her safety. Her constant lack of consideration for certain people (particularly her long-suffering dad) is getting exceedingly grating. There were a number of moments in which I wanted to bite her neck myself just to shut her up. The scene (spoiler) in which she punches Jacob because he kissed her was the last straw for me - I hardly think that that warrants a punch considering that he can't help being in love with her, especially since, deep down, she loves him as well. The little trout deserved to get her hand sprained. But no, he still apologises, and not just for the kiss but for the fact that punching him sprained her hand. How predictable and how pathetic. Bella's love affair with Edward - previously of the "I would die for you" calibre - is now peppered with so many inconsistencies that it's losing its enjoyment value. For example, as we've learned in movies 1 and 2, Bella is so in love with Edward that she's a) willing to overlook the fact that he's not human; b) willing to overlook the fact that he's killed people; and c) give her own life to save his as she did at the end of New Moon, but when he finally proposes marriage to her she's hesitant? And the reason? Well apparently because she's still young, being only 18. Funny, 'cause I would've thought that 18 is also a young age to contemplate relinquishing your mortality in favour of becoming a vampire for all eternity. But it's OK, because (another spoiler) she eventually accepts; and in doing so, says, "I will bind myself to you in every way humanly possible" - but when he addresses her as Mrs. Cullen she suddenly tells him that she wants to keep her own name? She'll sacrifice life and limb for him but not do THAT? The cheesiness of this film was also a step up - everything is cheapened to the level of a corny soap opera. They ALL deserve Razzis. CONSTANT long silences, hard stares, and stupid dialogue. My sister actually turned to me at one point during the movie and said, "Shades of Wuthering Heights" because everything about this plot is so exasperating. Why doesn't Edward stay mad at Bella after she kisses Jacob? They have ONE discussion about it (actually it's not even a discussion, just a series of comments) and then by the end of the movie they're happily reunited without a single cross word. I would think that kissing Jacob would put Edward's nose out of joint just a LITTLE, considering that she's supposed to be his reason for living and future bride! You should also be prepared for the fact that, as is typical in most of these cases, they try to shove far too much into the storyline. Simplify, guys: if you're going to take a few minutes to explain Rosalie's backstory to us to give us some more insight as to why she is the way that she is, then leave James' backstory until the next movie. The need to stop every once in a while to explain another supporting character's history is exceedingly disruptive, and doesn't really bring anything integral to the plot anyway (for example I found that I still didn't give a rat's ass about Rosalie even after finding out what happened to her). It just makes it longer, more tedious, and prone to losing your attention. Maybe I'm just not this movie's core demographic. It IS for tweenies after all. But there's another problem: considering that this film is supposed to be for tweenies, the violence is sometimes surprisingly full-on. There's a scene involving a decapitation which I won't go into the gruesome details of, but let's just say that it could easily qualify as the "Holey s**t!" moment of the year. So even the movie itself seems to forget who it's for. The special effects are impressive of course, the visuals are creative and the direction is fine; but scratch beneath this glossy surface and there's just too much frustration at the hands of the script, the characters and their actions to make this movie tolerable to sit through. And, because the characters and their actions are the primary crux of this story, you never get a minute's peace. Quite simply, I am so OVER Twilight man. I'm done. That's it. Up until this point I'd actually been quite enjoying the franchise, but the abomination of this third installment has soured my interest so much that...you know what? I'm going to go watch Little Ashes, because the sight of Robert Pattinson making out with a guy is just what I need to shoot dead anything that reminds me of this idiotic movie. Awful.

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